'Top 50 Churches'... eludes IHCC yet again

Dear Congregation...

I'm sorry. I take full responsibility. Please forgive me.



Friends, I'm sorry to report to you yet again this year, that Indy Heights Community Church has failed to break into the "Top 50 Influential Churches".

I can only encourage you to persevere for another year. I promise you some changes. And I beg of you a few changes as well. Pardon my hastily compiled list, but we need to act quickly if we're to have a chance...

• I'll call some church-growth consultants, and we'll get a capital funds-drive started immediately. Bring your checkbook Sunday.
• I'll download some of these guys' sermons (or we'll beam 'em in, starting Sunday).
• Nobody get sick or hospitalized. Please.
• We'll slate some new elders when we see the results from the pledge cards.
• We'll pull the word 'Community' out of our church name so no one will think we're in a 'Community Churches' denomination.
• Our neighborhood prayer network has changed its name to 'World Prayer Network', and will start enlisting folks from across the country shortly.
• Our community outreach team will begin rounding up proxies needed at the next Neighborhood Association meeting to vote a parking variance as soon as possible.
• Please start calling the associaton officers now. [And I'll start blogging about it shortly.]
• Btw, we're entering into merger & acquisition talks with some other pastors who called me this week after seeing the new list.
• We may need to amend our statement of faith just a bit, to be more 'inclusive'.
• I'll stop talking about sin if you will.
• We'll need to start 'emerging' in a few new ways. I realize I can't overtake the 'cussing pastor', but perhaps there's room for a 'gambling pastor'... y'think?
• Be with us Saturday evening for "Texas Hold 'Em". Bring your neighbors. And your checkbook.

Oh... and one more thing...

• Start 'texting' the word 'IHCC' to 1-800-555-5555, and get all your friends to do likewise. Start now!

Hope this all helps.

YBIC,
'Pastor Paul'

P.S. Any of you that believed this and show up Saturday night, I'll see you in my office Monday morning.